Saying Goodbye

This picture was taken on Joshua's Birthday January 27 20011
Just a few days before he was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia
as you can see he was really feeling bad

On March 18th Dad had a couple of friends who showed up to see him one last time. At this point he hadn't been able to swallow in days and so he was off of most of his medicine except what I could give him in liquid form under his tongue. His strokes were coming closer together and he seemed to spend less time talking to those of us actually in the room and more and more time wrestling with those who weren't really there. Those last days seemed so long and sleep was something that didn't come easy. Towards the end of their visit daddy was anxious and hurting and he had stopped referring to me by name but instead called me nurse. I gave him a dose of medicine hoping to ease him to sleep and as I stroked his hair I the end of this journey would come quickly for him.

Those last days brought pain no one should know and frustration that just seemed cruel. "I just want to go outside one last time and feel the sun on my skin" he said. "OK daddy", I tried so hard to grant his simple request but he had no energy left and he just couldn't take the move. In the end I opened the window and pulled up the shade and put his bed as close to the glittering sunlight as possible hoping it would be enough.

Now as he closed his eyes, sleepy from the medicine, I calmed him saying, "It's alright daddy, try to rest". I did not know those would be our final moments together.

So much had been said over the past year. So many wrongs made right. "I'm sorry I left you daddy." "It's OK it is what had to be done" he comforted. He was right. I moved to Texas still a child, scared and frighted of even my own shadow. I came back a strong and independent woman, secure in what my God would provide even in my most helpless moments. "I couldn't have done this last year with out you. I couldn't have faced any of this with out you. I never imagined you were so strong." I had never seen my dad open up like that before. "Thank Steve and Darwin," I told him. "I grew up out there and they showed me how. Most of all thank the Lord. God took me to places I never knew I wanted to go, so He could grow me in ways I didn't know I needed to be strong. His providence provided for your every need and mine too." These words would be what I held to in the end.

That night he never woke. We moved his bed to the middle of the room. We moved the TV back to where it belonged. I cleaned everything up and began to through things away. In my heart even then I knew it would never be the same again. The long conversations were over. The ability to get the answers I had always wondered about was now a thing of the past. As i checked on him before bed I prayed over him. I begged God to take him quickly and to end his pain.

In the morning as I had done many times I hesitated to go and check on him but my beloved went with me and together we found him breathing shallow and slow, still in the same position we had left him the night before. Around 9:15 I checked on him for the 20th or so time that morning. Still no signs of him waking up still that lifeless breathing and then for just a second his breathing faltered and I pulled up a chair knowing he would either soon be away or soon wake in Glory. I began to sing to him his favorite hymns. "I love to tell the Story of unseen things above, of Jesus and his glory, of Jesus and his love" I love to tell the story because I know 'tis tue; it satisfies my longings as nothing else can do." And Gaither Songs we had been clinging to over the past few months. "Going home, I'm going home, There's nothing to hold me here; Well, I've caught a glimpse of that heavenly land, Praise God, I'm going home." And as I leaned over him and kissed his forehead and told him, "daddy, it is time for us to say goodbye, I will see you soon." He exhaled for what seemed like forever and with that he was gone. It was as if everything about him left and behind lay that earthly jail that had held him hostage for so many months and in my heart I knew, he was at peace with the Father.

Had not the providence of God brought me back to Atlanta the woman I had become. Had not the Providence of God brought my dear sweet beloved to my side to face this battle hand in hand. Had not the providence of God intervened and taken me to Texas where my world would fall apart, only to fall into the pieces of a new life of joy and peace that I never imagined I deserved, not only for me but for my children. Had not the hand of God in providence before the sands of time began ordained the every step it took for me to be standing on the doorstep that faithful April day, i would not have known with assurance my father would be in glory. I would not know the man, truly know the man I called daddy if it were not for the gracious hand of God.

Thank you God for large B cell lymphoma. Thank you God for tearing apart our lives. Thank you for showing us the great joy that only comes from the deepest sorrow. Thanks you for the 349 days of exhausting blessing you gave to not only me but to my children as they cared for their grandfather and drew close to him in ways I could have never imagined. Thank you for the blessing of a husband who loved my father so deeply and cared for him so earnestly. Thank you that in the end we were all, myself and mark and the children, not just family but friends. Thank you for the blessing of a disease that stole away everything from all our lives but the ability to love.

Timothy Hopkins Linn
born January 5 1948
went home to be with the Lord March 19 2011

A Journey we were all blessed by.