Saying Goodbye

This picture was taken on Joshua's Birthday January 27 20011
Just a few days before he was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia
as you can see he was really feeling bad

On March 18th Dad had a couple of friends who showed up to see him one last time. At this point he hadn't been able to swallow in days and so he was off of most of his medicine except what I could give him in liquid form under his tongue. His strokes were coming closer together and he seemed to spend less time talking to those of us actually in the room and more and more time wrestling with those who weren't really there. Those last days seemed so long and sleep was something that didn't come easy. Towards the end of their visit daddy was anxious and hurting and he had stopped referring to me by name but instead called me nurse. I gave him a dose of medicine hoping to ease him to sleep and as I stroked his hair I the end of this journey would come quickly for him.

Those last days brought pain no one should know and frustration that just seemed cruel. "I just want to go outside one last time and feel the sun on my skin" he said. "OK daddy", I tried so hard to grant his simple request but he had no energy left and he just couldn't take the move. In the end I opened the window and pulled up the shade and put his bed as close to the glittering sunlight as possible hoping it would be enough.

Now as he closed his eyes, sleepy from the medicine, I calmed him saying, "It's alright daddy, try to rest". I did not know those would be our final moments together.

So much had been said over the past year. So many wrongs made right. "I'm sorry I left you daddy." "It's OK it is what had to be done" he comforted. He was right. I moved to Texas still a child, scared and frighted of even my own shadow. I came back a strong and independent woman, secure in what my God would provide even in my most helpless moments. "I couldn't have done this last year with out you. I couldn't have faced any of this with out you. I never imagined you were so strong." I had never seen my dad open up like that before. "Thank Steve and Darwin," I told him. "I grew up out there and they showed me how. Most of all thank the Lord. God took me to places I never knew I wanted to go, so He could grow me in ways I didn't know I needed to be strong. His providence provided for your every need and mine too." These words would be what I held to in the end.

That night he never woke. We moved his bed to the middle of the room. We moved the TV back to where it belonged. I cleaned everything up and began to through things away. In my heart even then I knew it would never be the same again. The long conversations were over. The ability to get the answers I had always wondered about was now a thing of the past. As i checked on him before bed I prayed over him. I begged God to take him quickly and to end his pain.

In the morning as I had done many times I hesitated to go and check on him but my beloved went with me and together we found him breathing shallow and slow, still in the same position we had left him the night before. Around 9:15 I checked on him for the 20th or so time that morning. Still no signs of him waking up still that lifeless breathing and then for just a second his breathing faltered and I pulled up a chair knowing he would either soon be away or soon wake in Glory. I began to sing to him his favorite hymns. "I love to tell the Story of unseen things above, of Jesus and his glory, of Jesus and his love" I love to tell the story because I know 'tis tue; it satisfies my longings as nothing else can do." And Gaither Songs we had been clinging to over the past few months. "Going home, I'm going home, There's nothing to hold me here; Well, I've caught a glimpse of that heavenly land, Praise God, I'm going home." And as I leaned over him and kissed his forehead and told him, "daddy, it is time for us to say goodbye, I will see you soon." He exhaled for what seemed like forever and with that he was gone. It was as if everything about him left and behind lay that earthly jail that had held him hostage for so many months and in my heart I knew, he was at peace with the Father.

Had not the providence of God brought me back to Atlanta the woman I had become. Had not the Providence of God brought my dear sweet beloved to my side to face this battle hand in hand. Had not the providence of God intervened and taken me to Texas where my world would fall apart, only to fall into the pieces of a new life of joy and peace that I never imagined I deserved, not only for me but for my children. Had not the hand of God in providence before the sands of time began ordained the every step it took for me to be standing on the doorstep that faithful April day, i would not have known with assurance my father would be in glory. I would not know the man, truly know the man I called daddy if it were not for the gracious hand of God.

Thank you God for large B cell lymphoma. Thank you God for tearing apart our lives. Thank you for showing us the great joy that only comes from the deepest sorrow. Thanks you for the 349 days of exhausting blessing you gave to not only me but to my children as they cared for their grandfather and drew close to him in ways I could have never imagined. Thank you for the blessing of a husband who loved my father so deeply and cared for him so earnestly. Thank you that in the end we were all, myself and mark and the children, not just family but friends. Thank you for the blessing of a disease that stole away everything from all our lives but the ability to love.

Timothy Hopkins Linn
born January 5 1948
went home to be with the Lord March 19 2011

A Journey we were all blessed by.

Living with Dad

So for those of you who don't know. On April 4th 2010, I stood in my fathers living room and explained to him that he no longer had a choice "You are, one way or another, going to the hospital" I told him. This was in fact, the hardest thing I had ever done at that time. (The next year brought plenty of moments to trump that one.) Almost eleven hours later that very same day my father was diagnosed with Cancer. With tears in her eyes the Doctor told me, it's bad, it is the worst I have personally seen, enjoy what ever time you have. In the weeks following we learned the ugly name Large B-Cell Lymphoma. The doctors shared with me the startling statistics that "IF" they got all of the masses there was a 40% chance he could make it 2 years. I heard the heaviness of the words "stage 4" and learned a new emptiness as the word terminal became a new part of my vocabulary. I knew even in those early days my dad would live with me for the rest of his life, even if I had no idea what that looked like.

The next 6 months were spent driving back and forth every day to and from the hospital. In a brief stay at home and I learned the sign to watch for when someone is becoming septic (yep! I wish I had known those earlier) Then after another month of, back and forth, to and from, the ICU everyday, he was home again.

Then came a new PET Scan and the words no one wants to hear, "I am sorry but the Chemo didn't work". That was a hard pill to swallow because he had been doing SO well. So we set up the appointment for radiation. Once again I was driving to and from the hospital everyday but this time with dad as we went through 6 weeks of Radiation treatments. This was a horrid time where he just slowly deteriorated and it seemed like he never came back.

3 months almost to the day after his Radiation was over delirious and sick he was admitted back to the hospital ICU. It turns out staphylococcal pneumonia is very deadly. During the first week of February I saw something in my father I had never seen before, true fear. Unfortunately we didn't catch the pneumonia fast enough and in the process after a prolonged period with out proper oxygen dad suffered some permanent brain damage and if that wasn't enough the onset of mini-strokes has also complicated matters. We were told he would never make it past the pneumonia and yet he has. But the onset of new infections in his sinuses eyes ears and bladder have continued to eat away at his body.

One week after his admission to the hospital he was sent home on Hospice care and now I am his full time Nurse and Caregiver. Unable to walk or care for himself yesterday he was placed on a catheter. I feed him clean him and care for him each day.

As a family this has become our life. I have heard people say that we are being unfair to our children by exposing them to this and stealing from our time with them. To that I would say this, The most important thing I can teach my children is that when God presents you with an opportunity to minister you must take it and meet the challenge with all that is in you. God has given us a wonderful opportunity to minister to my father and I am grateful. There will always be challenges in life and I am enjoying teaching my children to meet those head on with joy and faith.

Everyday is precious and I am thankful my dad is teaching me to live every day as though it might be my last. This situation has taught me a lot about life. It has stretched me in ways I never imagined but it has also taught me alot about the love of my husband. I can't thank him enough for being such a wonderful rock not just for me but also our children and for dad. He is teaching me how to trust as I learn to depend on him but ultimately on God.

Welcome!

Well for a while now we have been saying we needed to start a blog. But we haven't had the time ..... or a name.

Now we have a name and we still don't have the time but we are getting used to that:)

On November 27 2010 Mark and I officially began an amazing journey and it has only been a few short months but already it has been mind blowing. He is a great husband and I love being his wife. I am so thankful for him.

Whenever you are on an important journey you should always take notes and here is where ours will be!